Front Row
Do you go to the dungeon to find out how to make peace with your days in the dungeon writing a letter to you didn't make me feel any more better than how I feltwhen we weren't speaking because I didn't cop to what I did. I can't love you because we're supposed to have professional boundaries. I'd like you to be schooled and in awe as though you were kissed by god full on the lips.
(-chorus-)
I'm in the front row
the front row with popcorn
I get to see you, see you close up
I'm too tired to recount the unpleasantries one by one minute I want to banish you the next I want to be on a deserted island with you along with my three favorite cd's amblivalent yet in your bed we've yet to acknowledge what really happened. Slid into the ditch I have this overwhelming loss of ambition we said let's name thirty good reasons why we shouldn't be together I started by saying things like " you smoke" "you live in new jersey(too far)" you started by saying things like "you belong to the world" all of which could have been easily refuted but the conversation was hypothetical I am totally short of breath for you why can't you shut your stuff off....
(-chorus-)
and I laughed until my lungs hurt I love how you bust my chops you don't always feel seen sometimes you feel erasable unfortunately I cannot reciprocate in my current state I think we should be careful of how much time we spend together
... for a while while I'm speaking you know how much you hate to be interrupted maybe spend some time alone fill up your proverbial cup so that it doesn't always have to be about you I've been wanting your individed attention I like the fact that you're nothing like me are you not burdened by the lack of perspective people have your charmed life (seemingly?)
(-chorus-)
You never meant to be ungrateful nor held up to be whipped or wept for certainly not analysed prodded at more ways than apparently you've been misrepresented dealing with the concept of arrows being slung towards your outrageous fortune. Hey I'm not mad at you guardian I'm mad at myself for spending so much time with you and your jeckyl and hydeness I'm glad I figuratively slapped you on the wrist you laughed a wicked laugh and said "come here let me clip your wings!" (I know he's blood but you can still turn him away you don't owe him anything) "raise the roof" he yelled "yeah raise the roof!" I yelled back (unfortunately you needed a health scare to reprioritize) no thanks to the soap box. Having me rile against them won't make an ounce of difference....
(-chorus-)
Oh the things I've done for you many a sitch a friend a man's been left for you oh the books I've read for you the tongues I've bitten for you many a new city for you many a risk taken for you (not a single regret).
Baba
I've seen them kneel with baited breath for the ritual
I've watched this experience raise them to psuedo higher levels
I've watched them leave their families in pursuit of your Nirvana
I've seen them coming to line up from Switzerland and America
(-chorus-)
How long will this take Baba
How long have we been sleeping
Do you see me hanging on to every word you say?
How soon will I be holy
How much will this cost guru
How much longer till you completely absolve me?
I've seen them give their drugs up in place of makeshift altars
I've heard them chanting kali kali frantically
I've heard them rotely repeat you teachings with elitism
I've seen them boasting robes and foreign sandalwood beads
(-chorus-)
Ave Maria
Ave Maria
I've been overlooking god in their own essence
I've seen their upwards glances in hopes of instant salvation
I've seen their righteousness mixed without loving compassion
I've watched you smile as the students bow to kiss your feet
(-chorus-)
Give me the strength all knowing one
How long till enlightenment
How much longer till you completely absolve me
Ave Maria
Ave Maria
Ave Maria
Ave Maria
Thank U
How about getting off these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm filled up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo
Thankyou India
Thankyou terror
Thankyou Disillusionment
Thankyou frailty
Thankyou consequence
Thankyou, thankyou silence
How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all at one time
Thankyou India
Thankyou terror
Thankyou Disillusionment
Thankyou frailty
Thankyou consequence
Thankyou, thankyou silence
The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I got more than it was
The moment I touched down
How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your devinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping
Thankyou India
Thankyou Providence
Thankyou Disillusionment
Thankyou nothingness
Thankyou clarity
Thankyou, thankyou silence
Yeah yeah
ahhh ohhh
ahhh ho oh
ahhh ho ohhh
yeah yeah
Are You Still Mad
are you still mad I kicked you out of bed?
are you still mad I gave you ultimatums?
are you still mad I compared you to all my forty year old male friends?
are you still mad I shared our problems with everybody?
are you still mad I had an emotional affair?
are you still mad I tried to mold you into who I wanted you to be?
are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions?
of course you are
of course you are
are you still mad that I flirted wildly?
are you still mad I had a tendency to mother you?
are you still mad that I had one foot out the door?
are you still mad that we slept together even after we had ended it?
of course you are
of course you are
are you still mad I wore the pants most of the time?
are you still mad that I seemed to focus only on your potential?
are you still mad that I threw in the towel?
are you still mad that I gave up long before you did?
of course you are
of course you are
Sympathetic Character
I was afraid you'd hit me if I'd spoken up I was
afraid of your physical strength I was afraid
you'd hit below the belt I was afraid of your
sucker punch I was afraid of your reducing me
I was afraid of your alcohol breath I was afraid
of your temper I was afraid of handles being
flown off of I was afraid of holes being punched
into walls I was afraid of your testosterone
(-verse-)
I have as much rage as you have
I have as much pain as you do
I've lived as much hell as you have
and I've kept mine bubbling under for you
(-chorus-)
You were my best friend
You were my lover
You were my mentor
You were my brother
You were my partner
You were my teacher
You were my very own sympathetic character
I was afraid of verbal daggers I was afraid of the
calm before the storm I was afraid for my own
bones I was afraid of your seduction I was afraid
of your coersion I was afraid of your rejection
I was afraid of your intimidation I was afraid of
your punishment I was afraid of your icy silence
I was afraid of your volume I was afraid of your
manipulation I was afraid of your explosions
(-verse-)
(-chorus-)
(-chorus-)
You were my keeper
You were my anchor
You were my family
You were my saviour
and therein lay the issue
and therein lay the problem
That I Would Be Good
That I wuold be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing
That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I'm overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clinging
That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
whether with or without you
The Couch
You hadn't seen your father in such a long time
He died in the arms of his lover how dare he
Your mother never left the house
She never married anyone else you took it upon yourself to console her
You reminded her so much of your father
So you were banished and you wonder why you're so hypersensitive
And why you can't trust anyone but us
But then how can I begin to forgive her so many years under bridges with dirty water
She was foolish and selfish and cowardly if you ask me
I don't know where to begin in all of my 50 odd years
I have been silently suffering and adapting perpetuating and enduring
Who are you younger generation to tell me I have unresolved problems
Not many examples of fruits of this type of excruciating labour
How can you just throw words around like grieve and heal and mourn
I feel fine we may not have been born awake as you were
It was much harder in those days we had paper routes uphill both ways
We went from school to job to a wife to instant parenthood
I walked into his office and I felt so self-conscious on the couch
He was sitting down across from me he was writing down his hypothesis I don't know
I've got a loving supportive wife who doesn't know how involved she should get
You say his interjecting was him just calling me on my shit?
Just the other day my sweety daughter I was driving past 203 I walked up the stairs in my mind's eye
I remember how they would creak loudly
She was only responsive with a drink he was only responsive by photo
I was trying to be the best big brother I could
I've walked sometimes confused sometimes ready to crack open wide
Sometimes indignant sometimes raw
Can you imagine I pay him 75 dollars and hour sometimes
It feels like highway robbery
And sometimes it's peanuts
I wish it could last a couple more hours
So here we both are battling similar demons (not coincidentally)
You see in getting beyond it solely intellectually you're not relinquishing your majestry
You are wise you are warm You are courageous you are big
And I love you more now that I ever have in my whole life
Can't Not
I'd be lying if I said I was completely unscathed
I might be proving you right with my silence or my retaliation
Would I be letting you win in my non reaction?
How would I explain?
How would I explain this to my children if I had them?
Because I can't not
Because I can't not
Because I can't afford to be misread one more time
Would I be whining if I said I needed a hug?
Would you feel slighted if I said your loves not enough
how dare I complain
how dare I complain when I'm the one who reaches for it?
Because I can't not
Because I can't not
Because I cannot walk without my crutches
Because I can't not
Because I can't not
Because I can't help wonder why you ask me
To all the unheard wisdom in the school yard
You think you're the right ones
You think you're the charmed ones I'm sure
how can you go on with such conviction?
And who do you think you are and why do you question me?
Because we can't not
Because we can't not
Because we can't help laugh at underestimations
Because we can't not
Because we can't not
Because we can't afford to be misled one more time
Because we can't not
Because we can't not
Because we cannot help without your willingness
Why do you affect me? Why do you affect me still?
Why do you hinder me? Why do you hinder me still?
Why do you unnerve me? Why do you unnerve me still?
Why do you trigger me? Why do you trigger me still?
UR
Burn the books they've got too many names and psychoses
All this incriminating evidence would surely haunt me
If someone broke into my house
Suits in the living room
Do you realize guys I was born in 1974
We've got someone here to explain your publishing
We know how much you love to be in front of audiences
Hopeful you are
Schoolbound you are
Naive you are
Driven you are
Take a trip to New York with your guardian
And your fake identification
When they said "is there something anything
you'd like to know young lady?"
You said "Yes I'd like to know what kind of people I'll be dealing with"
Precocious you are
Headstrong you are
Terrified you are
Ahead of your time you are
Don't mind our staring but
We're surprised you're not in a far-gone asylum
We're suprised you didn't crack up
Lord knows what we would've
We would've liked to have been there
But you kept pushing us away
Resilent you are
Big time you are
Ruthless you are
Precious you are
I was Hoping
As we were talking outside it was cold we were shivering yet warmed by the subject matter
My wife is in the next room we've been having troubles you know please don't tell her or anyone but I need to talk to somebody
You said "Wouldn't it be a shame if I knew how great I was five minutes before I died I'd be filled
with such regret before I took my last breath" and I said "you're willing to tell me this now
and you're not going to die anytime soon"
and I said I haven't been eating chicken or meat or anything and you said yes
But you've been wearing leather and laughed and said we're at the top of the food chain
and yes you're still a fine woman and I cringed
I was hoping I was hoping we could heal each other
I was hoping I was hoping we could be raw together
We left the restaurant where the head waiter (in his 60's) said "good-bye sir thank you for your business sir
you're successful and established sir and we like the frequency in which you dine here sir
and your money" and when I walked by they said "thank you too dear" I was all pigtails and cords
and there was a day when I would have said something like"hey dude I can buy and sell this place so kiss it"
I too once though I was owed something
I was Hoping I was Hoping we could challenge each other
I was Hoping I was hoping we could crack each other up
I too thought that when proved wrong I lost somehow
I too once thought life was cruel
It's a cycle really you think I'm withdrawing and guilt tripping you I think you're insensitive
and I don't feel heard and I said do you believe we are fundamentally judgemental? fundamentally evil?
and you said yes I said I don't believe in revenge in right or wrong good or bad you said
"well what about the man that I saw handcuffed in the emergency room bleeding after beating his kid
and she threw a shoe at his head.
I think what he did was wrong and I would've had a hard time feeling compassion for him"
I had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged
I was hoping I was hoping we could dance together
I was hoping I was hoping we could be creamy together
One
I am the biggest hypocrite
I've been undeniably jealous
I have been loud and pretentious
I have been utterly threatened
I've gotten candy for my self-interest
the sexy treadmill capitalist
heaven forbid I be criticized
heaven forbid I be ignored
I have abused my power forgive me
You mean we actually are all one
one one one one one one one
I've been out of reach and seperatist
heaven forbig average (whatever average means)
I have compensated for my days
or powerlessness
I have abused my so-called power forgive me
You mean we actually are all one
one one one one one one one
Did you just call her amazing?
Surely we both can't be amazing!
and give up my hard earned status
as fabulous freak of nature?
I have abused my power forgive me
you mean we actually are all one
one one one one one one one
Always looked good on paper
sounded good in theory
Would Not Come
If I make a lot of tinsel then people will want to
If I am hardened no fear of further abandonment
If I am famous then maybe I'll feel good in this skin
If I am cultured my words will somehow garner respect
I would throw a party still it would not come
I would bike run swim and still it would not come
I'd go travelling and still it would not come
I would starve myself and still it would not come
If I'm masculine I will be taken more seriously
If I take a break if would make me irresponsible
If I'm elusive I will surely be sought after often
If I need assistance then I must be incapable
I'd be filthy rich and still it would not come
I would seduce them and still it would not come
I would drink vodka and still it would not come
I'd have an orgasm still it would not come
If I accumulate knowledge I'll be inpenetrable
If I am aloof no one will know when they strike a nerve
If I keep my mouth shut the boat will not have to be rocked
If I am vulnerable I will be trampled upon
I would go shopping and still it would not come
I'd leave the country and still it would not come
I would scream and rebel still it would not come
I would stuff my face and still it would not come
I'd be productive and still it would not come
I'd be celebrated still it would not come
I'd be the hero and still it would not come
I'd renunciate and still it would not come
Unsent
Dear Matthew I like you a lot I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now and I respect that I would you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to come visit me in California I would be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song
Dear Jonathan I liked you too much I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely about themselves and you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time I used to say the more tragic the better the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday
Dear Terrance I love you muchly you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me I kept drawing you in and pushing you away I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself what was wrong with me
Dear Marcus you rocked my world you had a charismatic way about you with the women and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass but I could never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though and that stopped us from going any further than we did and it's kinda sad because we could've had so much more fun
Dear Lou we learned so much I realize we won't be able to talk to some time and I understand that as I do you the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could we were together during a very tumultous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you your career your whereabouts
So Pure
You from New York you are so relevant
you reduce me to cosmic tears
Luminous more so than most everyone
Unapologetically alive knot in my stomach
and lump in my throat
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
So Pure such an expression
Supposed former infatuation junkie
I sink three pointers and you wax poetically
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
So pure such an expression
Let's grease the wheel over tea
Let's discuss things in confidence
Let's be outspoken and ridiculous
Let's solve the worlds problems
I love you when you dance when you freestlye in trance
So Pure such an expression
Joining You
Dear darlin' your mom (my friend) left a message on my machine she was frantic
Saying you were talking crazy that you wanted to do away with yourself
I guess she thought I'd be a perfect resort because we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth and
yes they're in shock they are panicked you are your chronic them and their drama
You this embarassment us in the middle of this delusion
If we were our bodies
If we were our futures
If we were our defenses I'd be joining you
If we were our culture
If we were our leaders
If we were our denials I'd be joining you
I remember vividly a day years ago we were camping you knew more than you thought you should know
you said "I don't want ever to be brainwashed" and you were mindboggling you were intense
You were uncomfortable in your own skin you were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful
If we were our nametags
If we were our rejections
If we were our outcomes I'd be joining you
If we were our indignities
If we were out successes
If we were out emotions I'd be joining you
You and I we're like 4 year olds we want to know why and how come about everything
We want to reveal ourselves at will and speak our minds and never talk small and be intuitive
and question mightily and find god my tortured beacon
we need to find like-minded companions
If we were their condemnations
If we were their projections
If we were our paranoias I'd be joining you
If we were our incomes
If we were our obsessions
If we were our afflictions I'd be joining you
We need reflection we need a really good memory feel free to me a little more often
Heart Of The House
You are the original template
You are the original exemplary
how seen were you actually?
How revered were you (honestly) at the time?
Why pleased with your low maintenance?
You loved us more than we could've loved you back
Where was your ally your partner in feminine crime?
Oh mother who's your buddy?
Oh mother who's got your back?
the heart of the house
the heart of the house
all hail the goddess
you were "good ol"
you were "count on 'er 'till four a.m."
you saw me run from the house
in the snow melodramtically
oh mother who's your sister?
oh mother who's your friend?
the heart of the house
the heart of the house
all hail the goddess!
We left the men and we went for a walk in the gatineaus
and talked like women like woman to women would
womyn to womyn would "where did you get that from?
Must've been your father you dad"
I got it from you I got it from you
do you see yourself in my gypsy garage sale ways?
in my fits of laughter?
in my tinkerbell tendencies?
in my lack of colour coordination?
Your Congradulations
I wouldn't have compromised as much
so much of myself for fear of
having you hating me
I would've sung so loudly
It would've cracked myself!
I became self conscious
of anything exuberant
I wouldn't have sold myself short
I wouldn't have kept my eyes
glued to the ground
if I had've known my invisibility
would not make a difference
I would've run around screaming proudly
at the top of my voice
I wouldn't have said said it was fat luck
I'm talking idealism here
I would not have so self deprecating
I wouldn't have cowered
for fear of having my eyes scratched out!
I wouldn't have cut my comfort off
I wouldn't have feigned needlessness
I would not have discredited
every one of their compliments
it was your approval I wanted
Your congradulations
!!!!!!!!OZRECSEC
!!!!!!!!OZRECSEC
La Meravigliosa Pagina Che Avete Appena Letto E' Stata Creata Da Piccinini Michele